Duluth redesign – Combined version

Re-education model of violent versus non-violent behaviour

(Combined version: males and females, heterosexual or homosexual)

Control and abuse (destructive)
Violence towards females
Equality (constructive)
Non-violence
Control and abuse (destructive)
Violence towards males
Using coercion and threats

  • using physical assault against her – including any hit or slap
  • making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her
  • threatening to leave her, to commit suicide, to report her to welfare
  • making her drop charges
  • making her do illegal things
Negotiation and fairness

  • seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict
  • accepting change
  • being willing to compromise
Using coercion and threats

  • using physical assault against him – including any hit or slap
  • making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt him
  • threatening to leave him, to commit suicide, to report him to welfare
  • making him drop charges
  • making him do illegal things
Using intimidation

  • making her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures
  • smashing things
  • destroying her property
  • abusing her pets or other animals
  • displaying weapons (such as knives)
Non-threatening behaviour

  • talking and acting so that both of you feel safe and comfortable expressing yourselves and doing things
Using intimidation

  • making him afraid by using looks, actions, gestures
  • smashing things
  • destroying his property
  • abusing his pets or other animals
  • displaying weapons (such as knives)
Using economic abuse

  • preventing her from getting or keeping a job
  • making her ask for money
  • giving her a restricted or conditional ‘allowance’
  • taking her money (including using her as a ‘provider’)
  • not letting her know about or have access to family income
Economic partnership

  • making money decisions together
  • making sure both of you benefit from financial arrangements and work arrangements
Using economic abuse

  • preventing him from getting or keeping a job
  • making him ask for money
  • giving him a restricted or conditional ‘allowance’
  • taking his money (including using him as a ‘provider’)
  • not letting him know about or have access to family income
Using emotional abuse

  • putting her down
  • making her feel bad about herself
  • calling her names
  • making her think she’s crazy
  • playing mind-games
  • humiliating her
  • attempting to control her feelings
  • forcing her to control or deny what she feels
  • making her feel guilty
Respect

  • listening to each other non-judgmentally
  • being emotionally affirming and understanding
  • valuing each others’ opinions
Using emotional abuse

  • putting him down
  • making him feel bad about himself
  • calling him names
  • making him think he’s crazy
  • playing mind-games
  • humiliating him
  • attempting to control his feelings
  • forcing him to control or deny what he feels
  • making him feel guilty
Using sexuality

  • acting as the ‘owner’ of her sexuality
  • ignoring or overriding her sexual choices, feelings or fears
  • denying or mocking her sexuality
  • promising or withholding sex to control or punish her
  • blaming her for sexual miscommunication
  • using pornography or sexual/romantic fiction to justify sexual abuse
  • assigning to her the sole responsibility for sexual safety and birth-control
  • misleading her about sexual safety and birth-control
Sexual respect and trust

  • respecting each others’ sexuality as real and natural
  • being open and honest with each other about sexual needs, desires, feelings and fears
  • being responsible with each other about safe sex and birth-control
  • negotiating mutually appropriate types and levels of sexual relationship
Using sexuality

  • acting as the ‘owner’ of his sexuality
  • ignoring or overriding his sexual choices, feelings or fears
  • denying or mocking his sexuality
  • promising or withholding sex to control or punish him
  • blaming him for sexual miscommunication
  • using pornography or sexual/romantic fiction to justify sexual abuse
  • assigning to him the sole responsibility for sexual safety and birth-control
  • misleading him about sexual safety and birth-control
Using privilege

  • treating her like a servant
  • excluding her from making decisions that concern her (‘making all the big decisions’)
  • acting like her ‘owner’, assuming authority from social stereotypes
  • being the one to define male and female roles, or other social or familial roles
Shared responsibility

  • mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work
  • making family decisions together
Using privilege

  • treating him like a servant
  • excluding him from making decisions that concern him (‘making all the big decisions’)
  • acting like his ‘owner’, assuming authority from social stereotypes
  • being the one to define male and female roles or other social or familial roles
Using isolation

  • controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she reads, where she goes
  • limiting her outside involvement
  • using jealousy or envy to justify actions against her
Trust and support

  • supporting each others’ goals in life
  • respecting each others’ right to your own feelings, friends, activities and opinions
Using isolation

  • controlling what he does, who he sees and talks to, what he reads, where he goes
  • limiting his outside involvement
  • using jealousy or envy to justify actions against him
Using children

  • making her feel guilty about the children
  • using the children to relay messages
  • using visitation to harass her
  • threatening to take the children away
Responsible parenting

  • sharing parental responsibilities
  • being a positive non-violent role model for the children
Using children

  • making him feel guilty about the children
  • using the children to relay messages
  • using visitation to harass him
  • threatening to take the children away
Using others (third-party abuse)

  • spreading rumours about her
  • misinforming others (family, friends, colleagues, police, court, state agencies) about her life or actions
  • denigrating her natural groups (sex, nationality, race, birth-religion, etc.)
  • using others’ stories to justify actions against her
Social self-responsibility

  • being aware and honest with yourself, with each other, and with others
  • sharing social respect and social responsibility
  • creating trust with others and with the wider community
  • respecting each others’ history, background and humanity
Using others (third-party abuse)

  • spreading rumours about him
  • misinforming others (family, friends, colleagues, police, court, state agencies) about his life or actions
  • denigrating his natural groups (sex, nationality, race, birth-religion, etc.)
  • using others’ stories to justify actions against him
Minimising, denying and blaming

  • making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously
  • saying the abuse didn’t happen
  • shifting responsibility for abusive behaviour
  • saying she caused it
Honesty and accountability

  • accepting responsibility for self
  • acknowledging past use of violence and abuse
  • admitting being wrong
  • communicating openly and truthfully
Minimising, denying and blaming

  • making light of the abuse and not taking his concerns about it seriously
  • saying the abuse didn’t happen
  • shifting responsibility for abusive behaviour
  • saying he caused it

Use this table to explore and assess your own abusive and/or violent behaviour, and your response to abusive and/or violent behaviours by others. Whether as nominal ‘perpetrator’ or nominal ‘victim’, your task is to empower yourself to change your own behaviour, to create the self-assertive and non-violent responses described in the central column of the table.

Note: this table should only be used as a tool for self-assessment. It should never be used as a means to criticise others’ behaviour without facing your own: to do so would be ‘Minimising, denying and blaming’, which – as described above – is an explicit act of abuse.


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