Control and abuse (destructive)
Violence towards females |
|
Equality (constructive)
Non-violence |
|
Control and abuse (destructive)
Violence towards males |
Using coercion and threats
- using physical assault against her – including any hit or slap
- making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her
- threatening to leave her, to commit suicide, to report her to welfare
- making her drop charges
- making her do illegal things
|
|
Negotiation and fairness
- seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict
- accepting change
- being willing to compromise
|
|
Using coercion and threats
- using physical assault against him – including any hit or slap
- making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt him
- threatening to leave him, to commit suicide, to report him to welfare
- making him drop charges
- making him do illegal things
|
Using intimidation
- making her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures
- smashing things
- destroying her property
- abusing her pets or other animals
- displaying weapons (such as knives)
|
|
Non-threatening behaviour
- talking and acting so that both of you feel safe and comfortable expressing yourselves and doing things
|
|
Using intimidation
- making him afraid by using looks, actions, gestures
- smashing things
- destroying his property
- abusing his pets or other animals
- displaying weapons (such as knives)
|
Using economic abuse
- preventing her from getting or keeping a job
- making her ask for money
- giving her a restricted or conditional ‘allowance’
- taking her money (including using her as a ‘provider’)
- not letting her know about or have access to family income
|
|
Economic partnership
- making money decisions together
- making sure both of you benefit from financial arrangements and work arrangements
|
|
Using economic abuse
- preventing him from getting or keeping a job
- making him ask for money
- giving him a restricted or conditional ‘allowance’
- taking his money (including using him as a ‘provider’)
- not letting him know about or have access to family income
|
Using emotional abuse
- putting her down
- making her feel bad about herself
- calling her names
- making her think she’s crazy
- playing mind-games
- humiliating her
- attempting to control her feelings
- forcing her to control or deny what she feels
- making her feel guilty
|
|
Respect
- listening to each other non-judgmentally
- being emotionally affirming and understanding
- valuing each others’ opinions
|
|
Using emotional abuse
- putting him down
- making him feel bad about himself
- calling him names
- making him think he’s crazy
- playing mind-games
- humiliating him
- attempting to control his feelings
- forcing him to control or deny what he feels
- making him feel guilty
|
Using sexuality
- acting as the ‘owner’ of her sexuality
- ignoring or overriding her sexual choices, feelings or fears
- denying or mocking her sexuality
- promising or withholding sex to control or punish her
- blaming her for sexual miscommunication
- using pornography or sexual/romantic fiction to justify sexual abuse
- assigning to her the sole responsibility for sexual safety and birth-control
- misleading her about sexual safety and birth-control
|
|
Sexual respect and trust
- respecting each others’ sexuality as real and natural
- being open and honest with each other about sexual needs, desires, feelings and fears
- being responsible with each other about safe sex and birth-control
- negotiating mutually appropriate types and levels of sexual relationship
|
|
Using sexuality
- acting as the ‘owner’ of his sexuality
- ignoring or overriding his sexual choices, feelings or fears
- denying or mocking his sexuality
- promising or withholding sex to control or punish him
- blaming him for sexual miscommunication
- using pornography or sexual/romantic fiction to justify sexual abuse
- assigning to him the sole responsibility for sexual safety and birth-control
- misleading him about sexual safety and birth-control
|
Using privilege
- treating her like a servant
- excluding her from making decisions that concern her (‘making all the big decisions’)
- acting like her ‘owner’, assuming authority from social stereotypes
- being the one to define male and female roles, or other social or familial roles
|
|
Shared responsibility
- mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work
- making family decisions together
|
|
Using privilege
- treating him like a servant
- excluding him from making decisions that concern him (‘making all the big decisions’)
- acting like his ‘owner’, assuming authority from social stereotypes
- being the one to define male and female roles or other social or familial roles
|
Using isolation
- controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she reads, where she goes
- limiting her outside involvement
- using jealousy or envy to justify actions against her
|
|
Trust and support
- supporting each others’ goals in life
- respecting each others’ right to your own feelings, friends, activities and opinions
|
|
Using isolation
- controlling what he does, who he sees and talks to, what he reads, where he goes
- limiting his outside involvement
- using jealousy or envy to justify actions against him
|
Using children
- making her feel guilty about the children
- using the children to relay messages
- using visitation to harass her
- threatening to take the children away
|
|
Responsible parenting
- sharing parental responsibilities
- being a positive non-violent role model for the children
|
|
Using children
- making him feel guilty about the children
- using the children to relay messages
- using visitation to harass him
- threatening to take the children away
|
Using others (third-party abuse)
- spreading rumours about her
- misinforming others (family, friends, colleagues, police, court, state agencies) about her life or actions
- denigrating her natural groups (sex, nationality, race, birth-religion, etc.)
- using others’ stories to justify actions against her
|
|
Social self-responsibility
- being aware and honest with yourself, with each other, and with others
- sharing social respect and social responsibility
- creating trust with others and with the wider community
- respecting each others’ history, background and humanity
|
|
Using others (third-party abuse)
- spreading rumours about him
- misinforming others (family, friends, colleagues, police, court, state agencies) about his life or actions
- denigrating his natural groups (sex, nationality, race, birth-religion, etc.)
- using others’ stories to justify actions against him
|
Minimising, denying and blaming
- making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously
- saying the abuse didn’t happen
- shifting responsibility for abusive behaviour
- saying she caused it
|
|
Honesty and accountability
- accepting responsibility for self
- acknowledging past use of violence and abuse
- admitting being wrong
- communicating openly and truthfully
|
|
Minimising, denying and blaming
- making light of the abuse and not taking his concerns about it seriously
- saying the abuse didn’t happen
- shifting responsibility for abusive behaviour
- saying he caused it
|