Control and abuse (destructive)
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Equality (constructive)
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Using coercion and threats
- using physical assaults against anyone – including any hit or slap
- making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt others
- threatening to leave others, to commit suicide, to report others to welfare or other external authorities
- making others drop charges
- making others do illegal things
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Negotiation and fairness
- seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict
- accepting change
- being willing to compromise
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Using intimidation
- making others afraid by using looks, actions, gestures
- smashing things
- destroying others’ property
- abusing pets or other animals
- displaying weapons (such as knives)
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Non-threatening behaviour
- talking and acting so that both self and others feel safe and comfortable expressing themselves and doing things
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Using economic abuse
- preventing others from getting or keeping a job
- making others ask for money
- giving others a restricted or conditional ‘allowance’
- taking others’ money (including using others as ‘providers’)
- not letting family others know about or have access to family income
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Economic partnership
- making money decisions together
- making sure both others and self benefit from financial arrangements
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Using emotional abuse
- putting others down
- making others feel bad about themselves
- calling others names
- making others think they’re crazy
- playing mind-games
- humiliating others
- attempting to control others’ feelings
- forcing others to control or deny what they feel
- making others feel guilty
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Respect
- listening to others non-judgmentally
- being emotionally affirming and understanding, both of self and others
- valuing opinions of both self and others
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Using sexuality
- acting as the ‘owner’ of others’ sexuality
- ignoring or overriding others’ sexual choices, feelings or fears
- denying or mocking others’ sexuality
- promising or withholding sex to control or punish others
- blaming others for sexual miscommunication
- using pornography or sexual/romantic fiction to justify sexual abuse
- assigning to others the sole responsibility for sexual safety and birth-control
- misleading others about sexual safety and birth-control
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Sexual respect and trust
- respecting each others’ sexuality as real and natural
- being open and honest with each other about sexual needs, desires, feelings and fears
- being responsible with each other about safe sex and birth-control
- negotiating mutually appropriate types and levels of sexual relationship
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Using gender privilege and social privilege
- treating others like servants
- excluding others from making decisions that concern them (‘making all the big decisions’)
- acting like the ‘owner’ of others — assuming ‘authority’ from social stereotypes
- being the one to define male and female roles, or other social or familial roles
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Shared responsibility
- mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work
- making family decisions and other social decisions together
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Using isolation
- controlling what others do, who they see and talk to, what they read, where they go
- limiting others’ outside involvement
- using jealousy or envy to justify actions against others
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Trust and support
- supporting both self and others’ goals in life
- respecting self and others’ right to their own feelings, friends, activities and opinions
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Using children
- making others feel guilty about their children
- using the children to relay messages
- using visitation to harass others
- threatening to take the children away
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Responsible parenting
- sharing parental responsibilities
- being a positive non-violent role model for children
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Using others (third-party abuse)
- spreading rumours about others
- misinforming third-parties (family, friends, colleagues, police, court, state agencies) about others’ life or actions
- denigrating others’ natural groups (sex, nationality, race, birth-religion, etc.)
- using stories to justify actions against others
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Social self-responsibility
- being aware and honest with each other
- sharing social respect and social responsibility
- creating trust with others and with the wider community
- respecting each others’ history, background and humanity
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Minimising, denying and blaming
- making light of the abuse and not taking others’ concerns about it seriously
- saying the abuse didn’t happen
- shifting responsibility for abusive behaviour
- saying others caused it
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Honesty and accountability
- accepting responsibility for self, and about others
- acknowledging past use of violence and abuse
- admitting being wrong
- communicating openly and truthfully
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